I want to know what made me who I am. Is it my genetics that made suffer from depression? Is my sarcastic wit (or lack there of) something Valerie instilled in me? I know where I get my physical appearance from, I look just like my paternal grandmother. To what extent do random events shape my character? My argument with Mark-Tony and the subsequent disciplinary hearing had an effect on me but I still don't know exactly how. What part did an an absentee Father have in shaping me? I don't feel like I really know myself. I hear people speaking about themselves and they are self aware, they know what their traits are and acknowledge their flaws. I'm aware of some of my flaws but I am curious how other people perceive me.
I don't believe in fate, I think things just happen, or we make things happen. Sometimes I wonder if I adhered to some kind of religion if I might have less problems with my depression. I wonder, if I felt there was some kind of divine plan or reason, if maybe I might feel less anxiety about life. I wasn't brought up with any kind of formal religion, although I was certainly surrounded by them. Ever since I can remember I have been searching for some kind of meaning. When I was in college and introduced to the absurdest philosophies, the idea of life being an exercise of waiting and that the forceps of birth lead to the shovel of the grave, struck a chord with me. Of course College is also when I began to experience profound depression, so of course some dark philosophy about death and despair and a lack of faith was appropriate.
I have always felt there is something missing in my life, I would really like to fill that hole. If I can't find something to believe in, in terms of faith, I would like to find a project I can believe in that helps other people.
The last ten years have felt like I've been walking around in a closet with the lights turned off, and can't find the door handle.
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