WTF?

I have a carpet in my backyard, a carpet of snow. In March... Snow!!

In other news, I hate all men everywhere. All of them no exceptions, Santa-Fucking-Clause is included, everyone with a penis, let no man be left behind!

Just kidding. I've had a few conversations in the last week where people have been writing off entire genders, and races, and I thought it might be interesting to hate an entire group of people for no good reason for about 5 minutes. At the risk of sounding a little hallmark the experience was totally empty.

Hung Over

It was worth it. I hope Lindsie had a happy birthday. I know I certainly had fun.


And then there was this morning. I'm groggy as all hell, I didn't realize how drunk I was. I mean I wasn't crawling on all fours, vomity crazy drunk, but I was inebriated. Allan woke me up around 9-ish so I called him all kinds of horrible things, which I felt he totally deserved, he on the other hand felt I was being slightly unreasonable. He had bought me breakfast, and wanted a hug. I wanted sweet oblivion of sleep, and he had disturbed my slumber, bastard.

Jazz is really fluffy.

I might still be drunk.

Happy Easter

Quote of the Day

Sigh

Today I have two mid terms, and both of them are making me ill. I am having some serious rumblings in my tummy today, I freaking hate it. Seriously if I tried like really hard could I come up with a character idiosyncrasy stranger than having vomit attacks on quiz or exam days? Stupid french, and stupid geography!!

Autism strikes again!

This is from Wikipedia

"...This failure to react appropriately to social interaction may appear as disregard for other people's feelings, and may come across as insensitive..."

My Uncle Doug has finally been diagnosed with Asberger's syndrome.

More Please

I just finished watching the Jane Austen Book-club, and it was cute but it made me realize I need a little something more in my life. I have school, work and stitch and bitch. I need to be directing a play or doing dance classes, or going to the gym, but preferably something social. Ha ha I think what I am trying to say here is that I really need to get out more!!

Turn the Lights Off

I used to be a night owl. I hated going to sleep before 1am. If I could I'd stay up late chatting with anyone willing. I particularly loved that time between about midnight and 2 when no one else was around. The best was when I could sit out on the lawn and just chat with friends about everything and nothing under the stars.

Then things changed. I started using sleep as a way to avoid thinking. I wanted to go to sleep as soon as dinner was over. Now I have problems sleeping, events, and fears keep playing over and over in my head.

In the near future I want to get a bottle of wine and share it with some friends at 1am, preferably somewhere where we can see the stars.

Who am I? How did I get here? WTF?

I want to know what made me who I am. Is it my genetics that made suffer from depression? Is my sarcastic wit (or lack there of) something Valerie instilled in me? I know where I get my physical appearance from, I look just like my paternal grandmother. To what extent do random events shape my character? My argument with Mark-Tony and the subsequent disciplinary hearing had an effect on me but I still don't know exactly how. What part did an an absentee Father have in shaping me? I don't feel like I really know myself. I hear people speaking about themselves and they are self aware, they know what their traits are and acknowledge their flaws. I'm aware of some of my flaws but I am curious how other people perceive me.

I don't believe in fate, I think things just happen, or we make things happen. Sometimes I wonder if I adhered to some kind of religion if I might have less problems with my depression. I wonder, if I felt there was some kind of divine plan or reason, if maybe I might feel less anxiety about life. I wasn't brought up with any kind of formal religion, although I was certainly surrounded by them. Ever since I can remember I have been searching for some kind of meaning. When I was in college and introduced to the absurdest philosophies, the idea of life being an exercise of waiting and that the forceps of birth lead to the shovel of the grave, struck a chord with me. Of course College is also when I began to experience profound depression, so of course some dark philosophy about death and despair and a lack of faith was appropriate.

I have always felt there is something missing in my life, I would really like to fill that hole. If I can't find something to believe in, in terms of faith, I would like to find a project I can believe in that helps other people.

The last ten years have felt like I've been walking around in a closet with the lights turned off, and can't find the door handle.

?

It has been a strange few days.

I'm really looking forward to May.

My Weekend

So had the best ferry boat trip ever on Friday night. I went outside and it was totally completely dark and freezing so there wasn't anyone else out there. The sky was completely clear so the stars were amazing! The other cool things was all the lights coming from homes and warning beacons along the route. It was just a really beautiful experience.

I got to see my cousin dance, and she is a power house. I love seeing her dance, it is just a pleasure. Unfortunately the choreography was total crap, it was really, really bad. Everyone in our row complained at the end. Some of the parents were livid, it was baaaad.

Had an interesting conversation with my Aunt, she was saying that creative people are more prone to depression, which totally makes sense. She suggested some books I should read...who knew life came with homework?