Rollercoaster

I have a very good friend who is suffering. Not physically but I am sure the emotional tole is probably beginning to wear on him. I am talking about depression, and that horrible feeling of despair. The existential crisis that many 20 somethings seem to crash into. I have had my fair share of this, and sometimes I still find myself mired in that horrible sticky feeling. It is like emotional molasses, you feel trapped and don't want to move or go out or do anything.

At my worst I found myself seriously pondering a medicinal milkshake in order to end my pain. What prevented me from hurting myself was the thought of what it would do to the people I loved. For a time, they are what kept me going. About a year after that incident, my cousin was killed crossing the road on his way home from a bookstore, this threw me right back into depression land. I thought that being with my Family would help, but it was so draining trying to be strong, and trying to be there for all of them that I found myself tried in knots. There is only so much I could deal with, and because I had merely repressed my other issues, it all bubbled over until I was a complete wreck.

Pulling myself out of that pit was and is the hardest thing I have ever done. My psychiatrist worked with me on techniques for dealing, going for walks, avoiding escapism, writing a daily diary, practicing breathing techniques, and finding new ways of expressing myself. I forget who said it but there is a great quote "remember we are all in this together, alone." The only one who can solve my problems is me. I'm not saying that people can't help, I'm just saying that the essential choice to go on had to be mine. There is a great book by Anne Cameron called Tales of the Copper Woman, in which she has several short stories. One of the stories that had an impact on me was about this group of wise women. The women would listen to any problem brought before them, and then offer suggestions. They would do this twice, and then if the person with the problem returned and had not acted on the problem, they would turn their backs. I find thinking about that story helps me to avoid wallowing in whatever is getting me down. Happiness is something I have to work to achieve, and if I don't deal with my issues they will bite me in my ass. Also it isn't fair of me too continually lean on my friends for support, initially yes, but not indefinitely. As the cliche goes friendship is a two way street.


It is not easy to share these experiences, but I have posted this because I think that depression has some ugly stigmas attached and people still have a great deal of difficult discussing it. I don't want my friend to think that he is alone, and I hope he finds something that will make his struggle easier.